Your Best Year Yet - Part 3

[00:00:02] Speaker A: Hey, welcome back to Grow Tension. I'm Sarah and I'm with my dad. Doc, how you doing? [00:00:07] Speaker B: I'm doing just fine. [00:00:09] Speaker A: What is your favorite thing about today so far? [00:00:14] Speaker B: So far, I'm enjoying doing this with you and Lex. This is going to be one of the highlights of my day. [00:00:23] Speaker A: Me too. Me too. So we are a Father daughter podcast. We. Where we are learning and growing. And, dad, you have been my mentor and so many people's mentors. You are one of the smartest theologians I know. True and true. [00:00:40] Speaker B: A larger group of friends. [00:00:42] Speaker A: No, you are a lifelong learner, and I love learning and growing from you. So thank you for doing this podcast. [00:00:51] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:00:53] Speaker A: Okay, so we have been talking about six ways that help you live your best year yet. But before we get started, I have a couple of fun questions. All right, you ready? [00:01:05] Speaker B: I don't know. [00:01:06] Speaker A: Okay, first question. If you could choose one time period in history to live in, which would you choose? [00:01:17] Speaker B: I believe I'd like to. I'd like to be around when Jesus was walking in Galilee and Judea. I have a good enough imagination that I can imagine some of these things. But wouldn't it have been awesome to see Jesus himself? [00:01:36] Speaker A: Yeah. I was just reading in the Bible this morning in Luke, where he. He turns and he looks to the disciples and he said, I can't remember the exact word. So this is the Sarah cut. But it's something like many prophets preach. Prayed for what you're living right now, and you get to live it. [00:01:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:01:55] Speaker A: Awesome. If you were not a pastor, what do you think you'd be doing right now? [00:02:01] Speaker B: I'd probably be in jail. [00:02:07] Speaker A: Only by the grace of Jesus. [00:02:09] Speaker B: God has been the best thing in my life. And if I didn't have him, I hate to think, oh, that's funny. [00:02:17] Speaker A: I love you. Okay, last question. If you could say something that surprised you the most about being a dad, what would you say [00:02:34] Speaker B: surprised me the most about being a dad? I. You kind of threw me a curve there. I'm not sure. [00:02:44] Speaker A: Ah. All right, let's switch it. If you could choose your favorite thing about being a dad, what would you say? [00:02:54] Speaker B: Our camping trips. Yeah, I loved it when we used to pile into the truck and take the camper out and. [00:03:01] Speaker A: Yeah, we had a little pop up [00:03:03] Speaker B: that you could pop up, and we'd all set it up and we'd have campfires and dad would always have to [00:03:10] Speaker A: pull out the bags. They would be heavy. And then it'd be like Katie and I taking the poles. And you had to put the pole in the bottom and then you had to slide it in the top. And it took like a finesse. And we were so bad at it. We were so bad at it. But yeah, I did love camping and the people we camped with, it was such an adventure. We'd always get up, spend the night Saturday, get up early, go home, shower, get breakfast, head to church bright and early, like before the sun would come up. And then after church, we'd get McDonald's and go back camping. [00:03:43] Speaker B: Ah, church first. Church first. [00:03:46] Speaker A: You know, is it just me or was just McDonald's better? [00:03:49] Speaker B: It was better. You're absolutely right. [00:03:51] Speaker A: Because everything tasted better. So good. [00:03:54] Speaker B: Shay and I were saying this when we were teenagers and dating, we'd go to Burger King and. And get a Whopper cut in half. They were so big, they would cut em in half a day. Yeah, we'd get one Whopper cut in half and a Coke and we would split and we would share it. And we've said a dozen times those Whoppers then tasted like absolute life itself. And now Sharon says, do you want a Whopper? And I start throwing up in the back of my throat. [00:04:25] Speaker A: Yeah, Jake and I were talking about it and he's like, do you think we were just poor and hungry and that's why it tasted better? I was like, maybe, but it did taste better. Okay, so we have been in this series and this is going to be our last one. So this is wrapping it up on how to live your best year yet. And as we've talked about these, I think these are some of the best lessons you have taught me. So I love sharing this with everybody because I think they are lessons that last you a lifetime, that no matter what age you get, no matter where you're at in life, these will. These will be it, man. These will be game changers for you. So where. Where are we picking up this week? What's a. What's another life lesson that if we can learn this, it'll be one of our best years yet? [00:05:15] Speaker B: It's called priming. [00:05:17] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:05:18] Speaker B: And priming is the reality that we make first impressions on people. Something about who we are, makes an impression on people, and then they respond to us in keeping with that impression. [00:05:43] Speaker A: Okay, so give me, for example, give us a. Help us see this. [00:05:49] Speaker B: All right. We had a real big problem once that I had to bring to the elders. And so I am a big one for preparing for important meetings. [00:06:12] Speaker A: Preparing for every meeting is. You're a big one for. [00:06:16] Speaker B: I did all the preparation I Could do. And when I came in, I was confident about the problem. I didn't share fear. I shared competence. I primed them that this is a big problem and we've got work to do, but we've got it. [00:06:40] Speaker A: So priming is almost like the idea of how you show up. People will sense, they'll feel it. They're probably non verbal cues. The way you hold your body, there are probably a lot of things that go with this. So. So let's say you prepared for that meeting, but you were not 100% confident. What would you say to that person? Like, how do you, how do you prime yourself to believe what you're about to show up and do? So if it's confidence or it's competency or it's kindness or love, how do you, how do you prime yourself first? [00:07:21] Speaker B: Well, I think part of that is in the preparation and some of it, it has to become. We all have the ability to improve our personalities. Your personality is not. [00:07:41] Speaker A: And some of us don't need to [00:07:43] Speaker B: and some of you don't need to. So I can teach myself to be more optimistic. I can teach myself to be more positive, or I can permit myself to be negative and pessimistic. So I can go into the meeting with a sense of optimism and a positive attitude, or I can go in with a sense of negativity. And I'm going to prime the people to respond by my initial. [00:08:29] Speaker A: Your presence. Yeah, okay. [00:08:31] Speaker B: Or even how I talk about this. [00:08:33] Speaker A: Okay. So I'm thinking personally that this makes a lot of sense. A lot of sense. And I love it. But one of my problems is emotion can often get in the way. So in things I can control like the tone of a meeting or setting the pace, that seems like, okay, I can do this. But when it's in context of relationship or a one on one conversation where maybe you can't control all of that, how do you not lose your patience and keep that prime as the focus? [00:09:20] Speaker B: All right, so some of this is just becoming a more and more healthy person. [00:09:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:25] Speaker B: The more healthy of a person you are, the more healthy your priming will be. Do you know? [00:09:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:32] Speaker B: So I don't permit myself to think certain way. I just say to myself, stop, I don't permit you to think that way. [00:09:41] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:43] Speaker B: And then I challenge myself. Most people in our family do this. We pick something we want to work on every year. So last year I worked on trying to be a more peaceful person, just trying to have more inner peace and praying that the peace of Christ would Guard my heart and. And to trying to create a more peaceful environment around me. [00:10:13] Speaker A: Now, did you feel challenged in that arena when you picked peace? Did that really challenge you? Yeah, Taylor and I chose delight this year. Cause we thought we don't want to be challenged that much, so we're going to pick a word like delight. [00:10:28] Speaker B: Yeah. I still wouldn't call myself a peaceful man, but I am more peaceful than I was. [00:10:33] Speaker A: Yeah, it's great. [00:10:35] Speaker B: This year I'm challenging myself to be more gentle, especially in the things I say. I think I shared that with you guys from that scripture. [00:10:52] Speaker A: Yeah. Unfortunately, I wasn't in that meeting, but everyone had talked about it and shared how. Yeah, the Psalm 34. You shared it in one of our meetings. And the team all told me like it was one for the books because it was so helpful. [00:11:08] Speaker B: So the healthier I get, the more healthy my prime is going to be. [00:11:15] Speaker A: Yeah, it always. It is like a self awareness that starts with you first growth. Like it's got to touch you first before you can really live it. [00:11:28] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:28] Speaker A: Okay, so what would you say the area you've had to prime yourself most in? What. What would be if you don't mind sharing with us? [00:11:39] Speaker B: I have to prime myself to mostly to let the process work out. I'm not patient and I prime the room to be impatient. [00:11:59] Speaker A: So is that where I got it? I can blame you. [00:12:01] Speaker B: You can blame me for my impatience. [00:12:05] Speaker A: I'm really living out this humility piece we talked about in our last podcast. [00:12:10] Speaker B: I have primed the room to be impatient on too many occasions. My awareness of stress is lower than other people's and I've stressed the room out. [00:12:25] Speaker A: That's why we make good partners, because mine is very high and mom has a very high like eq. Walk in the room and you kind of know something's going on. You know, you can sense it and feel it and see it. Yeah. [00:12:38] Speaker B: She said to me on many occasions, couldn't you tell? And I said, no, I didn't. [00:12:43] Speaker A: Yeah, it was good. I think it's great. [00:12:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:12:46] Speaker A: Okay. So what would you say when we are looking at in our lens through faith, that as we show up, we want to prime ourselves so that we can prime the people we are around? What would you say one step is to start priming yourself? Do you think it could be the word that like one area you want to grow in or it's. It's now February, It's March, actually, as we release this podcast, we're filming this one a little early. So what is what is. How do you start working on this so that you can prime. Is this like a fake it till you make it kind of thing? [00:13:30] Speaker B: No, it's just the opposite. It is. It starts with preparing yourself. This isn't going to happen naturally. You're going to have to develop a discipline that says, I'm preparing. I'm priming myself so I can prime others. Here's a good example. Do I permit myself to speak poorly about others? Because if I do, I'm priming the people that I'm talking to. [00:14:09] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:11] Speaker B: And basically, I'm priming them. You don't know if you can trust this guy or not. Right? [00:14:18] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:19] Speaker B: So I begin by my own preparation. I want to look at myself and say, where is people? Where am I getting off on the wrong foot with people? And what can I do to prime that relationship so that I get off on the right foot with him to begin with? [00:14:42] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. I can see this so clearly in our homes. I can see it so clearly in the workspace, especially if you are a leader. I think for me, there's been a fine line that maybe you can help me think, because I bet I'm a lot like most people. So you and I have very similar heartbeats, but different approaches. And you have always led from your strengths. You've always led from. And you prime the staff and you prime the room to know that you. You have strengths and you are leading from them. And it's been a very healthy, awesome thing to witness. I'm a little bit opposite where I prime the room as, listen, I'm one of you. There are weaknesses in my life, but here's how God has worked through them. And so I get to the strength, but it's almost through my weakness. And so I. We come at it with different approaches even. It's funny when we work through, like, what we want to talk about in the podcast. I'll be talking about the problem, and you'll be talking about the solution as we think about the year and what we want to do. And so it is funny. Our approach has always been that way. Even in preaching, when you've mentored me, you're like, start working with the solution first. Like the big. The beauty of it. Okay, so then that makes it a fine line where I think I'm relatable. I think that is something that a lot of people will say. But I also, I want to live more for my strengths, too. So I think it's. I'm asking this poorly, but I think the heartbeat is. If I want to prime the room, that I'm competent and I am confident. And what would be a tool that you would say to use? [00:16:51] Speaker B: So probably you start out by. Having this. Asking yourself these inner questions. For example, How can I connect in a positive way? How can I connect in a positive way? Whenever I'm going to have a hard elder meeting, I think about everybody in the room. [00:17:20] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:17:22] Speaker B: I sat there with my notepad, and I know where they sit in the room because they normally sit in the same place. And I think about this person who sits here, and I think, ah, how can I connect with him in a positive way? How can I connect with her in a positive way? So my first start is before the meeting even starts. I'm going to connect with people. I'm going to say, good morning. I'm going to ask them a question about something in their life. All right? And when I present the issue, I'm going to present it as an issue, not as a disaster. I'm going to say, this is a challenge we have, but I'm not going to catastrophize it, because then I'm priming [00:18:17] Speaker A: everybody for sure to think worst first. [00:18:20] Speaker B: Yeah. And sometimes we prime people by encouraging what they're doing. Right. And sometimes we prime people by challenging them where they're off track. I've had to say in problem solving meetings, look, we can't take that approach. We'll not get where we want to be. Okay, so that's priming. [00:18:59] Speaker A: When you think. I just. I think there's such an emotional response, dad. And this is being emotionally intelligent. To lead from confidence, to lead from love, to lead from the values that matter most. And I think oftentimes, especially in the workplace, it can become more about what we're getting done than the people we're caring for or. This is something Jacob and I struggle with. Just total vulnerability here is he's the boss at work, and. And I'm leading here with our staff. And so sometimes it's harder for us to, like, come down and just be partners when you're both leading at high capacities. And so for, like a husband and wife, even priming my husband to feel loved and cherished and valued and heard, it's an emotional response that you almost have to come down from. Does that make sense? [00:20:03] Speaker B: Yeah. I believe there is an emotional economy. I believe that our emotions. Pass in more than just a verbal ways, especially for people like you and Shea, who are more sensitive. You sense the emotional state of someone whether they want you to or not. [00:20:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:20:39] Speaker B: So because there is this emotional economy. We can use it in a positive way or we can be a victim of it. [00:20:50] Speaker A: Okay, this is the good stuff. How. [00:20:53] Speaker B: All right, first of all, I got to be aware. I'll bet this is the first time some of these people, some of our friends on the podcast, this is the first time they've ever heard about it. [00:21:05] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:21:06] Speaker B: Although when they hear about it, they can say, I have sensed that. [00:21:10] Speaker A: Sure. [00:21:10] Speaker B: All right. [00:21:10] Speaker A: Like, you're putting language to it, almost. [00:21:12] Speaker B: So the first thing is I have to be aware, and then I hate to keep beating the drum. And the second thing is then I have to start prepping. I have to start saying, if I want to have a positive encounter with this person, how am I going to prime that positive. What am I what. In this emotional economy, what am I investing? What am I investing? Am I going to invest positive emotions, positive feelings, positive attitudes? Or am I investing negative, unhealthy emotions, feelings and attitudes? [00:21:52] Speaker A: Yeah, I think so. You did a sermon several months ago, weeks ago, about anger. And it's something that when I listen to it, makes sense. It makes me like, I'm gonna try these tools, and one of them was to just take a time out and take a breath and some breathing practices. And. But then I noticed, like, I have a puppy. And. And that puppy is lovely and beautiful, and I'm so happy for the gift that she is in my life, but she can make me mad. And I felt that madness, you know, rising. She's a puppy chewing everything. Just ruins a hundred pairs of shoes already and all those things. But. So I was, like, trying your. Your tools, and it's in the moment. And so I love this idea of thinking your way through things first, thinking your way through conversations. It may or may not happen like this, but if it does, here's how I'm going to respond. I think that is. That's an awesome thing. And coming into the situations prepared and ready to show up in the kind of way that changes the room. Because I think what this idea of priming is, is you can bring beauty everywhere you go. [00:23:07] Speaker B: That's very true. [00:23:08] Speaker A: You can bring strength everywhere you go. When you walk in a room can get better or a room can get worse. And a lot of people don't know how much power they carry in that. Moms, you carry a lot of power for your kids. Dad, same thing. Like, there is. There is so much power that think people aren't even aware that they have. And something as small as thinking about it ahead of time can change. Can Change the. The whole room when you walk in, it's like a temperature gauge, you know? Know, can make it icy or you can make it warm. Okay. So when we are doing this, I think integrity is this next piece of the puzzle. So it's priming, and then it's integrity. Can you talk to us about integrity? [00:23:56] Speaker B: I think of integrity as integrating my values into my life. Integrity means to integrate. So I'm pushing this year, speaking in a more gentle and kind way. Okay. I'm saying I value that, but it's not enough for me to say I value that. I got to start finding ways to integrate that value into. Into what I do on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, everywhere. [00:24:36] Speaker A: You show up. [00:24:37] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:24:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:39] Speaker B: So the person with integrity, number one, they know what their values are, and number two, they have a plan, or at least they have a way of trying to integrate that into their daily life. [00:24:57] Speaker A: So when you talk about this integration, talk to me about what that's looked like in your life. So as a husband, a dad, a leader, what does that look like for you? [00:25:12] Speaker B: Well, I'm starting in the most important relationship in my life, and that's Shay. And I have a grouchy voice to begin with, and I can say things that don't feel harsh to me, but they feel harsh to her, and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to integrate a more gentle vocabulary, a more gentle tone. We are a loud family to begin with. [00:25:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:25:57] Speaker B: You get. You get us in a room, and it sounds like you're at a football stadium. [00:26:02] Speaker A: Yeah. We are the louds. [00:26:05] Speaker B: So I want to. I want. I want to. I want to speak kinder words. I want to speak with a softer tone, and I want to practice that first with Shay. [00:26:18] Speaker A: Yeah. As I think about integrity, I think that sometimes we can show up in different arenas in different ways. And so who I show up in the workplace versus how I show up at home versus who I am with my friends versus when I'm alone. Like, there are. There are pieces that I think we can separate pretty easy. And so when I think about this and integrity as integrating, it is being who I'm called to be everywhere I am. So when you live with integrity, I think it causes. Life that you're more proud of, and it causes, like, it's saying, this is who I am, and this is who I want to be. What would you say for the people that struggle with this? That maybe you've developed relationships that do look very different? Or maybe you are putting on a face in public that is so much different than what's going on at home or in your relationship with your spouse or friends. What would you say to that person? [00:27:35] Speaker B: Well, we have to start somewhere. You can't do all your integrity issues at once. All right? Nobody has 100% integrity in everything. Yeah, we all have integrity challenges. All right. It's just that some integrity challenges are life ruining. [00:27:55] Speaker A: Yeah, [00:27:58] Speaker B: if you're a thief, that can ruin your life. [00:28:05] Speaker A: What about a thief of joy? You know, [00:28:09] Speaker B: I want to be generous with the joy. I don't want to steal it. [00:28:12] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:28:14] Speaker B: All right, so we all have to start somewhere. You can't do it all at once. [00:28:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:28:27] Speaker B: But it turns out the same process whereby I have more integrity in one issue, that same process is the way I get more integrity in other issues. And this is important in integrity. Integrity is not me living by your rules. Integrity is me living by an internal set of rules. And if. If I'm healthy, my own standard will probably be higher than other people's standards. [00:29:18] Speaker A: Okay, so this is interesting because I'd say there's a big push in social media and trends right now that is saying if you want to have integrity of life things, you got to do what you say you'll do with yourself. So it starts in a personal arena. So a lot of examples would be something like I say, I'm going to get up and I'm going to work out, and so you wake up, the bed's warm and comfy, you don't want to get out. Are you going to have integrity with yourself and do what you said you would and get up and put the tennis shoes on and get out of bed? Or you can hit snooze. And so a lot of the trend is you start. And I don't think it's a trend for trend sake. I think it's smart, I think it's wise. I think when you can have integrity with yourself, you can have integrity with other things also. And so what would you say for this integrity piece for procrastinators? A lot of people, I hear, they, you know, I work best when the pressure's on and so they can procrastinate. And this idea of having integrity with yourself first? [00:30:34] Speaker B: Well, probably we need to go back and pick up a little resilience. All right. If I'm going to have integrity, it requires resilience because there'll be mornings where you don't get up and work out. [00:30:54] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:30:54] Speaker B: All right, so then what do you do? You don't quit. [00:30:58] Speaker A: Walk away. [00:30:59] Speaker B: Yeah. You don't say, well, I didn't. I failed. I guess I'm not. [00:31:03] Speaker A: This is done. [00:31:05] Speaker B: You'd say, I failed. This is why I failed. The next time it comes up, I'm going to have a different approach to this and I'm gonna get back on track. Because nobody has 100% integrity. We all have to draw a line in the sand and say, I failed there, but I'm starting over right now. Today is a new day. [00:31:35] Speaker A: If you fail once, try not to make it twice or let it start the new trend. Okay. When I think about being a mom and a leader and helping my kids have this piece of integrity, what's a piece of parenting advice you would give for integrity? [00:31:59] Speaker B: If I had it to do over again, I would have rewarded integrity. I would have tried to show you that integrity pays off. I'm sure you've been around when I've given kids money and said, it pays to be smart. [00:32:19] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, I think I've had a couple ten dollar bills come my way. [00:32:25] Speaker B: So I wanted the idea that it does pay to be smart. All right, it pays. Integrity pays for itself, too. If I were a parent all over again, I would have been more diligent to reward the behavior that I wanted. I would have rewarded integrity. [00:32:47] Speaker A: It's fascinating you say this because I listened to a podcast not too long ago about how we form habits and some of the reasons they don't work is because a habit is really made up of a couple things. It's made up of a cue. So something that makes you a trigger. [00:33:06] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:33:07] Speaker A: Think of it. To get ready to do it. So if it's leaving your clothes out or going to bed early or, you know, whatever it is, and then the last piece of forming a habit is the reward. And so many people don't stick to habits because they do not reward what they're doing. And I think about that's probably one of the things I'm worst at is stopping to say job well done, or stopping to say, especially personally for myself, I'm drive, drive, drive, onto the next, on to the next, on to the next. I'm pretty good at praising my kids and maybe our co workers, but I could be a lot better. So it's this, this reward piece. So if integrity is something that we're saying matters to us, how would you, what is the reward of integrity? Because I think too often we put so working out is just easy to talk about working out. People say the reward is you lose the weight, but maybe that's not the true reward. Maybe the true reward is you are the kind of person that works out and you're consistent. And now your is getting stronger and you're preparing for a longevity of life. So there are, there are rewards that I think. We think. So integrity would be easy to say. Well, I'm the same person and it's a healthier life. But what do you think? What do you think the reward of integrity is and why it's worth fighting for? [00:34:45] Speaker B: Well, let's talk about the reward in two different ways. [00:34:50] Speaker A: How about, [00:34:53] Speaker B: how about the payoff in your inner self? All right. When I don't live up to my inner code, it does something to me on the inside. It makes me anxious, it makes me annoyed, it makes me think poorly of myself. [00:35:18] Speaker A: It's like you almost feed the insecurity. [00:35:20] Speaker B: Yeah, I say ugly things to myself. All right. One of the rewards of integrity is I don't have all that conflict on the inside. [00:35:33] Speaker A: That's good. [00:35:34] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm at peace. I'm not feeling like you're a loser. So when I don't live up, when I don't have integrity, I have all this inner ugliness. When I have integrity, the payoff is well being. And man, that is worth a lot. [00:35:56] Speaker A: Yeah, it's worth his weight in gold. [00:35:58] Speaker B: The second payoff for integrity is you do better in life. People with integrity do better in life than people without integrity. [00:36:09] Speaker A: You. [00:36:09] Speaker B: You, you will succeed in more things. You'll. You'll have more of a. A successful life if. If you live with integrity. [00:36:20] Speaker A: Yeah. All right, dad. Well, thank you so much for this conversation. I appreciate your time and your expertise, and I just feel lucky to be your daughter. [00:36:32] Speaker B: I enjoy your company. [00:36:33] Speaker A: I love you. [00:36:34] Speaker B: I love you. [00:36:34] Speaker A: If this has been helpful, please feel free to share. Send it to someone you love, and we pray that God will bless you and grow you in this new year 2026. God bless.