Stress

[00:00:03] Speaker A: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to grow tension, the podcast where we are a father daughter duo who are doing our very best to grow and learn. And as we grow and learn, we love to share with you what we are learning. I want to say a special thank you to Chet Beetler, who stepped in, and what an interesting conversation you guys had on science and faith. [00:00:23] Speaker B: Yeah, that was fun. [00:00:24] Speaker A: Yeah, you guys. It's funny because when I listen to you guys talk, you finish each other's sentences. Like, I can tell you've been his mentor and you guys are friends. Yeah. The one common thing was you both would say, oh, when you say that, it makes me think of this. I feel like your conversation could have lasted hours easily. [00:00:43] Speaker B: We went a little long. [00:00:44] Speaker A: It was fun, though. Thank you so much. It was great. Today, I'm very interested in getting your perspective because I've noticed that the older that you have. Well, I'll take that out. Yeah, let's add it to that. As you have matured in your life, I've seen this way of you handling stress and just really an admirable way. Admirable. I see that you slow things down. I see there is a gentleness about you. Did you ever think we'd use that word? Shocking? [00:01:18] Speaker B: Shocking. The grace of God. [00:01:21] Speaker A: Yeah. And just a maturity of soul that I so badly wanna learn and just share with our listeners, because stress and pressure can be one of the hardest things. And as we get older and you're in your college years and the pressure of school, and then you get married and the pressure of marriage and kids and a job and a career, I think we can do tailspins. And I really would love to help people learn how to manage the stress and pressure of life a little bit. You in? [00:01:54] Speaker B: I'm all in. [00:01:55] Speaker A: Okay. So one of the thing I have noticed about you is that you have, like, become almost more at ease, more comfortable in your own skin when it comes to this stuff. Like, we have hard issues we have to work through at church, and when the pressure's raised and everyone's getting, you bring it back down. Can you share with us some of your techniques of managing your stress in high pressure situations? [00:02:28] Speaker B: Well, first of all, if I'm going to deal with my stress properly, I have to be more self aware. [00:02:36] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:02:37] Speaker B: In the past, I could stress people out, and I was not aware that I was stressing them out. Do you know? [00:02:44] Speaker A: I do. [00:02:46] Speaker B: I could just ramp everything up. All right. So the first step is I had to start being more aware and saying, if we're gonna be if this, if we're gonna succeed in this, I have to be aware of where people's stress level is, and I have to be initiating in lowering the stress, which means I have to lower the stress within myself. [00:03:11] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's the trick. [00:03:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:03:13] Speaker A: So what did that look like for you, as you've learned? What are some things that, like, go to things for you? [00:03:23] Speaker B: I like greek mythology because it is ethics and psychology in story form. The Greeks told all these stories, and it wasn't just to entertain people, it was to explain how life works. [00:03:37] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:03:37] Speaker A: There was a purpose for it. [00:03:38] Speaker B: And one of the stories I like is Hercules had to fight a monster named Antaeus. And Antaeus mother was mother Earth. So every time Hercules knocked the monster down, the earth strengthened him. And the only way he could defeat Antaeus was he had to hold him off the earth and squeeze him until he perished. And it dawned on me, I'm either fueling my stress or I'm de stressing. And often it's not the situation, it's not the room, it's not the people, it's I'm fueling my own stress. [00:04:27] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:04:30] Speaker B: And then self awareness starts saying to you, saying, you start saying to yourself, I'm amping the pressure up on this. I need to let some pressure out. [00:04:42] Speaker A: So when you sit in that self awareness, what have been the things that have amped up your stress, like, what has been your mother earth that's fueled the stress? [00:04:53] Speaker B: So I want to get things done, you know? [00:05:00] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:05:02] Speaker B: And when I feel like, when I feel like we're just not getting the stuff done that's supposed to get done, I feel stressed. Fully funding the church stresses me. [00:05:16] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:05:21] Speaker B: Uh, but I've learned over time that, uh, I can, I can manage this. I am not a victim of stress and anxiety. I am in control. [00:05:41] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that's, uh, uh. I just feel like this generation is struggling on just such a deeper level with anxiety and stress. I see this idea of try harder, do more. The idea of, like, I'm good if I can be good and make good things happen, but I'm bad if I'm not following into that suit. [00:06:07] Speaker B: That's not just this generation. [00:06:09] Speaker A: That's part of being young. [00:06:13] Speaker B: When you're young, you don't really know what the proper expectations are. So you take too many expectations on yourself. You can't, nobody can meet everybody's expectations. [00:06:30] Speaker A: So what is a tool for our listeners in that when you have high expectations for yourself, well, then you start. [00:06:37] Speaker B: Self defining, properly just because it's. Kids are going back to school. Okay. Just because your sister got straight a's, that doesn't mean that it's a fair expectation that you have to get straight a's. Maybe you have gifts and qualities that your sister doesn't have. So it's not fair to compare her to your best. And it's. So what we start doing is be self defining. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to do well in school. But my expectations for myself are not created by somebody else's skills. [00:07:23] Speaker A: Like the comparison. [00:07:24] Speaker B: This is the trouble with social media. Everybody is comparing themselves to somebody else's best, you know? [00:07:34] Speaker A: Yeah, the highlight reel. [00:07:35] Speaker B: Then you can't. You. You don't have a possible chance of winning, and your stress and anxiety goes up. On the other hand, if you are insightful and self defining and say, hey, I can be happy and not look like some movie star. [00:07:53] Speaker A: Yeah, I heard someone say that. The problem with comparison is you're either better than someone or worse than them, and neither of those are God honoring ideas. Those are all killers. Okay, so when you are self defining and let's say you, maybe you have the high expectations because you're comparing or because your parents expect something or your spouse expects something, or it's just innate in you, what are so self defining looks like what? [00:08:25] Speaker B: Uh, we start figuring out, this is the kind of person I am. And then now here we are, back to one, a deal we did some months ago. And when I define myself, I create self affirmations, you know? [00:08:40] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:08:41] Speaker B: Um, uh, I. So, going back to school or having new responsibilities at work, I create an affirmation to go with that. So when I feel stressed about raising money, I say, God is rich. I think you've probably heard me say that many times. That's a self affirmation. God is rich. And I have to understand what I need to do so that he can provide for this. Instead of me saying, oh, I got to do this, and I got to do this, and if I don't do this meeting. Right. [00:09:20] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:09:20] Speaker A: The self talk can be your mother earth. It can fuel the monster. Yeah, yeah, I. When we were talking about this earlier, before we started filming, you were saying you like to think about, like, stress and pressure in two different kind of ways. [00:09:34] Speaker B: Yes. [00:09:35] Speaker A: One is technical, and then one is personal. Is that what you said? [00:09:38] Speaker B: Yes. [00:09:39] Speaker A: Okay, can you talk to us about that idea? [00:09:41] Speaker B: Okay, let's start with. We've kind of talked about the personal, so let's do a little more. I have to handle stress in a personal way. So I know things that are de stressors for me. If I go outside, my stress automatically goes down. It's just going outside. Being outside, my stress automatically goes down for sure. [00:10:07] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:10:10] Speaker B: I know that if I prepare for something, the better I prepare, the less stress I have. I also know that I have to evaluate, because if I don't consciously evaluate, my stress mechanism evaluates. Do you know what I mean? [00:10:34] Speaker A: I do. [00:10:34] Speaker B: If I consciously evaluate and say, we did this and this part worked and this part didn't work, okay, now I'm handling it in a way that manages my stress. If I don't do that, then my stress does the evaluation. [00:10:49] Speaker A: Yeah, that's. [00:10:49] Speaker B: Oh, brother. You didn't get this right. What's going to happen? [00:10:52] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:10:53] Speaker B: Okay. So we all have to figure out our own stress, what stresses us, and how do we manage our stress, and then we got to start creating a life schedule that reflects our stress management skills. In the past, I would do five or six meetings in a row that were all high stressful. So by the time I get to the last meeting, I'm swearing at people. [00:11:32] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:32] Speaker B: I mean, my stress has just gone up. All right. [00:11:36] Speaker A: And the pastor swearing at you is really not the goal. You know. [00:11:42] Speaker B: There'S a special ring in hell for people like me. But then I learned, okay, if I got to have four stressful meetings, I'm not doing them back to back. [00:11:54] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:11:55] Speaker B: I'm creating some space. I'm gonna. I'm gonna walk outside. I'm gonna do some breathing exercises. I'm gonna use some techniques I've learned, and I'm gonna separate so the stress doesn't accumulate. [00:12:10] Speaker A: Yeah. So I think that's the hardest part for most people, is saying, like, how did I end up here? How did I end up? For me, I get emotional. I get tired. And so I think I can keep falling into the rhythm of just doing and going and going and going and going and not even taking the time to be self aware. [00:12:28] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:12:29] Speaker A: And I know for me, I don't create space. And so that is one of the hardest things. And then when I finally have space, I want to do nothing, which isn't fueling, which isn't life giving. And so then I get in the circle of too busy and then nothing. And so I have a bad rhythm. And so, for me, creating that space in my everyday calendar, if it's taking breaks in between meetings, if it's reorganizing my schedule, which I'm going to be looking at after the summer because I had some emotional moments. Maybe you were there for some of them. [00:13:06] Speaker B: We read a book some years ago called margin. [00:13:10] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:13:10] Speaker B: And it was very helpful to me about thinking about margin in my life. [00:13:15] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:13:18] Speaker B: And consciously putting into my schedule margin. [00:13:22] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:13:23] Speaker A: I heard. Like, we have time for what we want. And I think in the busyness of life, I find that not true. When my kids were little, I was like, no, I'm a. I'm here for them, basically. And. But what I really found is, no. When I really thought something was important, I did make time for it. Even with my kids being little, I remember working out as one of my de stressors, like, moving my body physically. If it's playing pickleball right now or going on walks, working out, lifting weights, it's a de stressor for me. But I used to feel like, oh, well, my kids are little. I don't really know how to fit this in. But then I found that it's not true. [00:14:01] Speaker B: Right. [00:14:01] Speaker A: And so we make room for the things that are important to us, and it seems in my mind as of lately, like, I need to make room for the space. I need to make room for the room. Does that make sense? [00:14:16] Speaker B: Oh, yes, it does make sense, and. [00:14:18] Speaker A: I haven't done that enough. And then you feel the effects of it, and then I. Your family feels the effects of it. Chet brought a book that we're going to take the staff through. I'll have to add the name in the notes, because I'm not. It's like something about how do you manage your leadership? Stress or anxiety. I'll find the name of it, but he said there are systems of stress, and so if the leader has a system of stress, it follows through, and then your staff feels it. Or maybe you're a dad. It's a system of stress that goes through the family, and it's a lot of this taught and carried stress, and that makes me want to get it better and more, you know, fix this sooner than anything, because unknowingly, we are passing it down. [00:15:06] Speaker B: Yeah. We communicate. We infect each other with stress. You can walk into a room and you can tell that whoever in charge is stressed out. [00:15:23] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:15:23] Speaker B: Or you can walk into a room and you can. Whoever's in charge, there's a sense of well being. [00:15:30] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:15:31] Speaker B: And I mean, subconsciously, you feel it. [00:15:34] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. [00:15:36] Speaker A: Okay. So that personal side is we really have to get to know ourselves, know our rhythms, know what fuels the stress, what our thoughts. Thoughts are that are making it bigger, helping ease it, and give you a sense of well being. What are some of the techniques you've used? [00:15:55] Speaker B: So this is the good thing about some of these techniques. They don't have to take forever. [00:16:01] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:16:04] Speaker B: I use a, it's called boxed breathing. You breathe in and count to four. You hold it, count to four, you breathe out, count to four, and you breathe in, count to four. It's, it's boxed breathing. And you can actually feel the, the pressure go off your chest. [00:16:21] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:16:22] Speaker B: You can, it, you can physically feel it? [00:16:24] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:16:25] Speaker B: Um, and that, and that, that doesn't, that doesn't take a half hour. [00:16:31] Speaker A: It's free and quick and you can. [00:16:33] Speaker B: Do it for two or three minutes and you actually feel it. I'm the same way. If I can get up, walk out of my office, walk down main street, if I can go outside, walk around on the back patio or something, I can physically feel my stress drop. Proper rest. If you're not getting proper sleep, then you're going to fight a losing battle against stress. [00:17:07] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:17:10] Speaker B: For a lot of people, being able to talk honestly to someone, because sometimes when you hear yourself say it, the stress goes out with it. Do you know what I mean? [00:17:23] Speaker A: A million percent. [00:17:24] Speaker B: If you hear yourself say, I'm worried about this, and I'm afraid. Okay. And just hearing yourself say it, the stress abates some. [00:17:36] Speaker A: Yes. That talking therapy kind of gets it off your chest a little bit. I know you were saying sometimes it's helpful to write things down. [00:17:43] Speaker B: Yes. [00:17:43] Speaker A: If it's a journal and just kind of get it off your chest. I know that. Andrew Huberman, I really like him. He's a PhD from neuroscience neuro. He studies the brain, teaches at Stanford, has a podcast. He says if you take a breath in as full as you can get it, and then when you're at the very top, take one little extra breath, that lowers stress. So I try to do that. My daughter, she always says, I can't do the breathing stuff. It stresses me out. So sometimes that doesn't work for you. But I know that there is a spiritual aspect to my life that nothing eases my stress the way that God does. [00:18:26] Speaker B: That's true. [00:18:27] Speaker A: Nothing soothes my soul or gives me clarity and perspective the way that God does. What are some of your, like, the moments that you have? What does it look like for you when you go to God in the stressful moments? Like, what are you saying? [00:18:44] Speaker B: I like the, I like the concept of wait on the Lord. I like the concept of stilling myself, being quiet on the inside, and just trying to feel the presence of God. [00:19:07] Speaker A: That was our tagline last night. We're in a sermon series called have you heard at RCC midweek. And the idea is, when you really know who God is, you can't help but to love him and want to talk about him. [00:19:21] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:19:22] Speaker A: And one of the ideas is, with this performance based living, where you feel the pressure to always be on, or you're always the one who's dependable, you're always the one who's getting it right. There's a sense that it's performance, and so our tagline was it's presence over performance. [00:19:39] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:19:40] Speaker A: Because I think that's really what God longs for, is our presence, and I know that's what I long for from him. [00:19:45] Speaker B: Yeah. And it's so healthy. [00:19:47] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:19:47] Speaker B: It. It makes all the difference in the world. Just be still and know that I am God. Hey, dude, you're not God. This doesn't all rise and fall on you. [00:20:02] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:20:03] Speaker B: You're just God's partner. [00:20:04] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:20:06] Speaker B: Okay. On the other hand, I'm not gonna be a shirker. I'm not gonna. I'm not looking for ways to not do what I'm supposed to do a million percent, but I am looking for the peace that passes understanding to guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. [00:20:21] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:20:23] Speaker B: I also like the passage where Jesus says, come unto me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Learn of me, for I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest for your souls. [00:20:44] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:20:45] Speaker B: I believe that is a spiritual discipline. [00:20:49] Speaker A: I heard it was on an instagram that I was scrolling through, you know, to really increase my stress in my life and my comparison game, that's another technique. [00:20:58] Speaker B: Turn off your social media. [00:20:59] Speaker A: Yeah, take a break. But in it, I think it was Carrie Washington. She was like, you know, you can pray to catch the bus, but then you better run like hell to catch the bus. [00:21:09] Speaker B: Yes. [00:21:10] Speaker A: And I think. I don't think that presence over performance is an idea of, like, don't do the work. I think work really hard. But then when I think about this idea of coming to God when I'm weary, taking his yoke upon me, I've physically. I've mentally pictured it in my head where I'm linking arms with Christ, and I am going to make the calls. I'm going to do the hard work. I'm going to do the studying. But at the end of the day, I want it to be in partnership with him. And if I imagine my life linked with him arm in arm. I don't know if this is stupid or not, but it's very helpful for me. [00:21:48] Speaker B: No, I think mentally conceiving of things is brilliant. [00:21:56] Speaker A: And then. So I'm linking arms with him, and then I'm asking him to lead it. I'm asking him to go before me to start working in the hearts ahead of time, you know, work on my heart to create the pathways that need to happen. And there's peace in that. [00:22:12] Speaker B: Yes, there is. [00:22:12] Speaker A: There is a peace in knowing that when you are linked with Christ, he is working with you. It's a profound shift in my thinking that has not totally appeased my stress. Cause I'm human and a touch psycho, but it's given me a sense of peace and well being that nothing else has. [00:22:33] Speaker B: Yeah, I've prayed on many occasions. I don't have. I can't offer. Last Friday, I did a funeral, and before I went to do the funeral, I said, I can't offer this good family what they need, but I'm here, and I'm willing to be your partner in whatever you want to do. Yeah, I don't put my confidence in the flesh. I've proven myself incompetent way too many times. So, yeah, it is a spiritual act to submit ourselves to God. Do you know? [00:23:18] Speaker A: Yes. And it's not a one time deal. [00:23:23] Speaker B: No, it is not. [00:23:25] Speaker A: It's because every single day, I need it, you know, every single day. And I can't do for Monday what I need for Friday. And I think sometimes we can get into rhythms where it's like, oh, I went to church solid. Or, I read my Bible once this week. Good. But you'll feel it. You will feel the difference when you are spiritually connected every single day and in everything saying, I'm partnering with you. [00:23:52] Speaker B: Yes. [00:23:53] Speaker A: Praying for your family every day. Praying for what worries you. Praying for, you know, the opportunities to see more clear. I just. I think it's so life giving. [00:24:05] Speaker B: I also use a technique. I read parts of the Bible out loud, and it distresses me. Like some of the psalms, you just read them out loud, so good. And just the act of reading the psalms out loud, or the gospels, just reading the Bible out loud, I found it to be an incredible distresser for me. [00:24:39] Speaker A: We've just got a couple more minutes. If you could give the listeners one good idea to attaching to God, what would that look like? [00:24:52] Speaker B: How about two Bible verses? Jesus said, don't be anxious. Solomon in all his glory wasn't clothed like the grass of the field. And God loves you more than the grass of the field. If you're stressed about your performance, then you need to hear Christ saying, don't be anxious for that. Don't be anxious about the things you can't predict. The future. We get all kinds of stress about the future because we're making predictions and. [00:25:37] Speaker A: They don't even happen. [00:25:39] Speaker B: They don't even happen. [00:25:39] Speaker A: You're worrying and wasting. [00:25:41] Speaker B: Right. And I also like the verse, Sarah, casting all your cares upon him because he cares for you. And this is where I say to God, I'm feeling stress about. Yeah, I have concern about this doesn't seem to be on track. And I want to cast all my cares upon him, believing that he really cares for me. So it's kind of the talking cure, but you're talking to God. The best one you can talk to, where I stop just running it over and over and over again in my head, and I say to God, this is what I'm thinking. This is where I feel the pressure. This is where I'm not sure what to do. This is the fear I have. [00:26:39] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:26:40] Speaker A: You're inviting him in. [00:26:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:26:42] Speaker A: I think the other verse that is, I'm so bad at memorization, but it's like, don't be anxious, but through prayer and supplication. What is supplication? [00:26:53] Speaker B: Pleading. [00:26:54] Speaker A: So through prayer and pleading, which I think sums it up the best. [00:26:59] Speaker B: Yeah. Let your request be made known to God. [00:27:01] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:27:02] Speaker A: And I think when we invite him in, he does something great. [00:27:08] Speaker B: I do, too. [00:27:09] Speaker A: It's been a. It's been a lifelong lesson that I keep learning over and over and over again. All right, well, thank you so much. I appreciate your good advice. [00:27:21] Speaker B: Thank you. I enjoy your company. It's destressing. [00:27:25] Speaker A: Yeah. Hey, let's go browns. I like your. Sure. [00:27:28] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:27:29] Speaker A: Okay, we will see you guys next time. If this has been helpful, please share. Send to a friend. Follow along with us anywhere that podcasts are. Listen, and we will see you next time. Bye.